Andy-Depressants

I want the whole world to be happy,
but I left myself out of that group
I pick myself up just to knock myself down
and I’m endlessly stuck in a loop

With no detours to force me to exit
and no signs to point me the right way
I’m addicted to Andy-Depressants
to keep all other feelings at bay

I must live in this world of depression
I’ve been building this city for years
With bricks of the body I’ve broken
all cemented with pity filled tears

I will always amount to be nothing
Every smile will be met with a wall
I’m too tired to try to move past it
the first hurdle is where I will fall

~ Andrew
Some days it’s not just the world that conspires to bring me down, but my mind as well

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Verbal Abuse

I grew up an adjective,
Nothing more than a description.
A depiction of every flaw in me
not defined by myself
but by what others see.

These words grew in strength
as they stuck like a glue
and they weighed on my mind
even though they weren’t true.

They are the echoing voices
inside of my head,
a constant reminder
of everything said.

Every word to insult me,
every weakness I show,
were my bones when you broke them,
from the stones you would throw.

I was abused by some words,
that exceeded my age,
too naive to find meaning
I was trapped in your cage
where the bars were cold steel
just as cold as my heart,
all I’ve known
is the ways
words can tear us apart.

And I’m sick of waking up
to the same words still ringing
the dictionary of disaster
as the chorus is singing
and our tears become rivers
which will flow into streams
drowned by all the cruel words
which manifest in our dreams.

Today.
I am no longer defined
by narrow minded hatred
No longer bound
by chains made of thorns
I fought with my demons
took the bull by the horns

I’ll be the definition
that I wanted to be
fuelled by pain and ambition
the best version of me.

~ Andrew
Should name it Second Draft Sundays but that implies I’m going to be consistent and I know that is one word that does not define me in the slightest. Speaking of consistent, I seem to jump between positive and negative more than a geometric sequence with a negative number as the common ratio

Practised Interactions

I’ve memorised the words
and practised body language too.
I’ve got the perfect intonation
and I know just what to do

I’ve injected positivity
into every word I say
I thank them for their service
and I wish them a good day

~ Andrew
One of the things I do without fail when shopping is a chirpy little ‘thank you, have a nice day’ – It’s nothing like my normal speaking voice but I see no harm in trying to spread a little bit of positivity. I do like my whole “I am sad. I shouldn’t pretend to be happy” thing but people in shops only interact with me for 30 seconds, there’s no real reason to burden them with my negativity cloud. Just a passing thought I had the other day

To Lie With You

I’ve never liked the liars,
their desires never ending,
as they lie to lie with you,
they are the ones not worth befriending.

And will you lie with me,
if I choose to lie to you?
I’ll love you deeply, truly,
as I lie with lovers true.

The biggest cheat,
my words, deceit,
and all the truth will crumble,
you’ll curse and swear,
but I don’t care,
I’ll watch you as you stumble.

Fight fire with fire
and liar with liar,
if you can’t speak honest lines,
I’ll dowse your flames,
and stupid games,
you missed the warning signs.

The truth is out,
to quench all doubt,
the thirst is satisfied.
The liar lying, lying crying
their words are falsified.

~ Andrew
The third redraft of a past poem (Originally called Lie With Me, I felt the title sounded like I was initiating the lies whereas that’s not the case, hence the title change), all of these redrafts are quite minor but I’m removing the older links on the “Poetical Alphabet” page as I bring the new ones up as it is a nice way for me to cycle through my old work and bring the ones I feel have potential forward in line with the progress I’ve made as a poet

Dear Confidence

Dear Confidence,

I started writing this letter,
to make myself feel better,
because we had a falling out.
You see I still doubt myself,
when I’m awake and when I dream
and when I’m low on self esteem
because you’re not about.

If by now you do not know,
then I will give you the directions,
to build bridges when you’re broken,
as my token of affection.

I do not ask in return,
for you to stay by my side,
I don’t expect you to regret it,
I didn’t think you’d decide,
that a gift from the heart,
Would be enough to break the ties,
I was mistaken from the start,
you were nothing, without lies.

I do not know quite how to end this,

yours sincerely,
Forgotten Friend
P.s I’m just a problem,
I’m a crack they cannot mend.

~ Andrew
This poem saddens me a little, because I’m not certain who I wrote it about. This is the second redrafted poem this year as I work through to improve them whilst looking to choose my favourite poems overall for a future page on the blog. If you remember a poem of mine that you particularly enjoyed please do let me know what it was.

My Panic Attack

I know something’s wrong
as my brain disconnects
and these thoughts in my head
become pain in my chest
and I lose track of life
as I fall into hell
and the boy to my right
says I think he’s not well.

I’m escorted, I think,
taken out of the class
and sat on my own
waiting for it to pass

They blame dehydration
but won’t call it by name
a panic attack
and my mind is to blame.

~ Andrew
Edit: Changed the title (My First Panic Attack) after remembering another time when I believe I had a panic attack a few months beforehand although I’m not 100% certain on it, just changing the title to make sure it’s definitely accurate.
For TimeToTalk day 2018 I want to open up about my mental health. I don’t think I’ve explicitly said I suffer from anything specific although the themes of my poetry should give some indication.
If I’m completely honest I don’t know what state my mental health is in. I’ve seen Doctors, been to counselling and all I seem to be doing is collecting labels. GAD, Depression, Panic Attacks. Even then I don’t feel qualified to call these things by name. I hid the fact I was receiving counselling from my parents because I was ashamed.
I am a huge supporter of the movement to increase awareness of mental health and to break down the stigma against it, as always I’ve provided a set of useful links for anyone who may be struggling:

Suicide Hotlines:
UK: 116 123 (Samaritans) – or email jo@samaritans.org
USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – (National Suicide Prevention Helpline)
Rest of the World: Hotlines

Time to Talk:
Support Someone
Tips For Talking

Disconnected

I wish my mind
would put the disco
back into disconnect
because if there is a party in my mind
then I obviously wasn’t invited

When my mind switches
from me to empty
I am forced to live on the surface
one heavy breeze away
from being blown off my own body

but I do not own my body.

There is a cable,
some form of connection
probably USB
and the wires are faulty
hear that tone as my brain picks me up
and I regain control of the system.

I don’t like being turned off
because I take a while to boot up
and there aren’t a lot of hours in the day
and there are too many reasons
to lay in bed.

I live as a program
but I don’t run as expected
just an empty shell,
on auto pilot
mind and body disconnected.

~ Andrew
Not a lot to say here, my mind is a little bit faulty and some days it just feels like I wasn’t even there.