My Deeper Inquisition

I want to spill my feelings,
without revealing what is true.
I’ll answer questions vaguely,
and the rest is up to you.
If you know me, you may speculate,
if you don’t then do not fear,
I’m just answering the questions
in my mind to make it clear.

Are you broken?
Still a little.
Was she worth it?
Maybe not.
Is it finished?
Barely started.
Do you miss her?
Quite a lot.
Did you tumble?
When it hit me.
Did you cry?
You bet I did.
Did they stop it?
Not for ages.
Where’d you go?
I ran and hid.
Is she special?
Absolutely.
Did they notice?
I don’t care.
Did you hurt her?
Was a bastard.
Are you sorry?
Can’t repair.
What’s the matter?
Nothing’s hurting.
What’s the matter?
Go away.
Where’d your friends go?
They all left me.
Can you find them?
Not today.
Are you lazy?
Can’t be bothered.
Are you changing?
Wish I could.
Have you found it?
You could say that.
Ask the question?
Guess I should.
Were you wrong?
You should know that.
How’d you screw up?
Over-thinking.
So you’re quitting?
Lost my purpose.
Are you sailing?
More like sinking.
Where’s the passion?
In the garbage.
Where’s the loving?
Sold as scrap.
So you’re empty?
Like a bottle.
Are youΒ lost?
I need a map.

Is it real?
It hurts so yes it is.
It’s more real every day.
It plagues my mind,
whichΒ thoughts once lined,
but now have gone astray.

~ Andrew
My mind is a mess of thoughts right now. I can’t answer every question myself.. I can’t even find the answer to some of the simpler questions in life. BrokenΒ more or less sums up me at the moment. Not the best quality poem in the world but at least a few things off my chest without anyone being given the whole answer (Don’t want people judging me, you can probably work out some of them if you know me)

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43 responses to “My Deeper Inquisition

  1. Pingback: Why Me? | Andy Writes Poems

  2. Kevin died July 13th, 2003. I went into counselling within a few months. I really worked at dealing with the situation.
    Unfortunately I trusted someone who I should have not trusted & in Seot. 2006 I was almost killed by that person. Somehow the 2 events meshed together & I have not been able to write anything. It is like a part of me ‘shut down’. It is an odd feeling I can tell you Andrew.
    I agree not writing is like not having a convo because there is nothing to say…well put! ;0

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you did something to help yourself though it seems there are plenty of people in the world who try to make it as hard to recover from setbacks as possible.
      I rarely have anything to say in conversation because my thoughts require time to be prepared and revised so that I’m not just spouting nonsense

      Liked by 1 person

      • I HAD to get counselling Andrew. The grief was overwhelming. I felt like I was breathing water all the time; it was horrible. I had buried my other hubby Paul back in 1996 (he was only 33) & I was 40. Had over a year of grief counselling then with 2 counsellors! Never thought I would remarry & hten there was Kevin…1998…we married in Oct 1999. He died in July 2003. Talk about ‘school of hard knocks’!
        Oh there were people who took advantage of me during those times; they are gone from my life πŸ˜‰
        I try to moderate my mouth to while in convo with people. Once it comes out it can’t be put back, lol….

        Liked by 1 person

      • When things are hard it’s best to seek help, I used to reject that because I thought I could handle life myself and everything would just come easily to me, it’s not about the fall it’s about the ability to stand yourself back up

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Darker Nights | Andy Writes Poems

  4. Nanna preferred to write more uplifting poetry…she had seen so much heartache in her life I think writing pretty poetry helped her cope. I wrote all types…some of it pretty intense. We all write what we are meant to I believe. πŸ˜‰
    Sherri-Ellen

    Like

      • Before the writer’s block I wrote alot of deep poetry & some happy stuff. I reflected on life events & wrote about animals.
        Then when my husband Kevin committed suicide July of 2003 I just stopped…I think I have written a few poems about Nylablue & that is it. I just have never been able to put my thoughts down…..I would have thought I had ALOT to say about suicide or feeling betrayed or loneliness….but to this day nothing comes out….it used to bother me….now I figure I have nothing left to say (boy how sad does THAT sound?)

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s really awful that something that bad happened to someone close to you but if no words can be said about it, it’s better not to force anything, just be sure to talk it over with people even if you don’t record the events in a poem. Having nothing to say is normal, it’s just like being in a conversation where the topic is something you’d rather not discuss.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Obviously you & your Mother would ahve your own styles. Talent is talent tho….
    I have my Nanna\s poetry in a folder here…in her petitie English penmanship & it is lovely to read it. She was mor eof a Poet Laureate whereas I write gritty emotional poetry….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I understand totally Andrew. I only showed Parents & Nanna the poems I WANTED them to see…there were MANY they never saw.
    Mind you when I was in my late 30’s/early 40’s I did let my Father read my darker works & he was blown away. He just held my hand & cried. Somehow my poetry brought us closer & also heloed us to speak of things we had never spokena bout before.
    It is true tho that we do not always wnat to open ourselves to Parents tho’.
    Sherri-Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

      • It is easier when one is older to share with Parents. There were some I never showed my Father. There were a few I DID show my Mother to ‘educate’ her as she had no idea the effect her behaviours had on me over the years. My Nanna read almost all my poetry & she was VERY understanding! Then again she had lived thru so much….she lived to be 89 yrs old. She too wrote poetry; we were birds of a feather…..

        Liked by 1 person

      • My Mum wrote poetry but never shared it with us (I read a few from the book she wrote as a teenager) and I can’t really see how we match up as poets, hers came from a personal perspective whereas I usually give my persona aspects of myself whilst not being exactly me
        Andrew

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Our parents beleive they know what is best for us. Sometimes they have good ideas & sometimes so do we…
    I say do what makes you feel valued & will earn you a good living.
    Oh my Mother also thought I should become an Accountant. Now I was good at it but it bored me stiff…..I wanted to be outside working….
    We jsut had to agree to disagree πŸ˜‰
    Sherri-Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

      • I agree Andrew. However parents have so much ‘invested’ in us they tend to be overprotective & sometimes ‘know-it-all’s’….
        My Father (RIP) probably had a bunch of dreams for me….he never put me down for anything I did.
        I worked in a factory as a Punch Press Operator & then l;earned Brake Press. He siad he admired me for doing a ‘man’s’ job πŸ˜‰
        When I started working as a Tow Truck Operator he would proudly tell people that I owned my own business & was an Operator…..I could see alot of people were affronted because I was the only female in the biz back then…
        But my Father stuck up for me thru thick & thin!!! I miss that man so much…
        Sherri-Ellen

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Very valid point Andrew. I too wanted to be valued for the person I was; the work I did (Tow Truck Owner/Operator & Nanny & Nursing Assistant). Usually I was judged on my looks…*sighs*
    Being blonde; grey eyed, short & a good figure (back in the day) people saw what they wanted to see. I fought to be heard for the person I was & for the poetry i wrote! Some heard; some did not. At least I KNEW my OWN value! πŸ˜‰
    And it sounds like you do too1
    Sherri-Ellen

    Like

      • So true. High school was crazy for me in Athletics. I was good at Track & Field. Period! The clown of a P.E. teacher made me do Gymanstics. I almost killed myself….seriously! My Mother had to literally scream at the Principal & the teacher to let me do what I was good at & not put me into dangerous situations. Flying OVER the box horse & landing on the concrete floor & spraining more parts then I knew I had is an example.
        Funny thing when I went into Tow Trucking my Mother had a conniption fit: she wanted me to be a Legal secretary like her (ROFWL).
        My Father the conservative old world kind thought it was awesome his daughter was working in a ‘man’s job’ & succeeding…
        As we are multi-faceted beings I am SURE you will be remembered for many reasons; not JUST for being a Poet.
        Sherri-Ellen

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve ignored my parents advice on how to live my life for the past few years, they wanted me to take a route into maths, but I was more interested in computing and that’s where I would like to see myself in ten years
        Andrew

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I can try. First thing is to always watch a person’s eyes. They say more than words sometimes. Also go with your ‘gut’ feeling. Trust yourself.
    If a person is evasive you either go along with the evasion or you can outright ask what the person is covering up.
    Keep things simple & do not overthink things>>>I know, I know I overthink too….
    Sherri-Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Trust me just when you get the answers to the questions there will be MORE questions!!! I think that is part of the ‘human experience’…we are questioning beings…..
    Sometimes I watch little Purrince Siddhartha my new kittyboy as he lives in the moment & wonder what that would feel like….he just lives & asks few questions….
    Oh to be a cat, lol…
    Sherri-Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

    • To be a cat, and laze around with no responsibilities, can’t say I’d object to that. I’m prone to over-thinking though, which makes it hard for me to figure people out, though I’m always there if they’re going to openly say there’s something wrong.
      Andrew

      Liked by 1 person

      • I would love to be a cherished cat as I have cherished mine…lol…
        I am very analytical an can over think> I have even been called Vulcan Princess by some….lol…
        Having a degree in Psychology does that to a person…it freaks alot of my friends out πŸ˜‰
        I am glad I studied tho’ so I can understand people & what they go thru when things go wrong for them.
        However it can sometimes put people off too ….
        Sherri-Ellen
        P.S.: When I took Psychology it gave me a better sense of myself & it also helped improve my own self confidence.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe you can help me to understand others πŸ˜› I find it impossible to work out what is a hint and what is just coincidental. I’d be happy to have someone who knows people around me, they might work me out better than I can work out myself
        Andrew

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Now I understand the title of the poem! I remember when my parents would ask a hundred questions & my other relatives & my friends & the teachers…it seemed that there were always so many questions & I had very few answers.
    Now I am older & wiser (hahaha) & I still have few answers πŸ˜‰
    Life can be an unanswerable question…….. πŸ˜‰
    Sherri-Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

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