Dear Confidence

Dear Confidence,

I started writing this letter,
to make myself feel better,
because we had a falling out.
You see I still doubt myself,
when I’m awake and when I dream
and when I’m low on self esteem
because you’re not about.

If by now you do not know,
then I will give you the directions,
to build bridges when you’re broken,
as my token of affection.

I do not ask in return,
for you to stay by my side,
I don’t expect you to regret it,
I didn’t think you’d decide,
that a gift from the heart,
Would be enough to break the ties,
I was mistaken from the start,
you were nothing, without lies.

I do not know quite how to end this,

yours sincerely,
Forgotten Friend
P.s I’m just a problem,
I’m a crack they cannot mend.

~ Andrew
This poem saddens me a little, because I’m not certain who I wrote it about. This is the second redrafted poem this year as I work through to improve them whilst looking to choose my favourite poems overall for a future page on the blog. If you remember a poem of mine that you particularly enjoyed please do let me know what it was.


My Panic Attack

I know something’s wrong
as my brain disconnects
and these thoughts in my head
become pain in my chest
and I lose track of life
as I fall into hell
and the boy to my right
says I think he’s not well.

I’m escorted, I think,
taken out of the class
and sat on my own
waiting for it to pass

They blame dehydration
but won’t call it by name
a panic attack
and my mind is to blame.

~ Andrew
Edit: Changed the title (My First Panic Attack) after remembering another time when I believe I had a panic attack a few months beforehand although I’m not 100% certain on it, just changing the title to make sure it’s definitely accurate.
For TimeToTalk day 2018 I want to open up about my mental health. I don’t think I’ve explicitly said I suffer from anything specific although the themes of my poetry should give some indication.
If I’m completely honest I don’t know what state my mental health is in. I’ve seen Doctors, been to counselling and all I seem to be doing is collecting labels. GAD, Depression, Panic Attacks. Even then I don’t feel qualified to call these things by name. I hid the fact I was receiving counselling from my parents because I was ashamed.
I am a huge supporter of the movement to increase awareness of mental health and to break down the stigma against it, as always I’ve provided a set of useful links for anyone who may be struggling:

Suicide Hotlines:
UK: 116 123 (Samaritans) – or email
USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – (National Suicide Prevention Helpline)
Rest of the World: Hotlines

Time to Talk:
Support Someone
Tips For Talking


I wish my mind
would put the disco
back into disconnect
because if there is a party in my mind
then I obviously wasn’t invited

When my mind switches
from me to empty
I am forced to live on the surface
one heavy breeze away
from being blown off my own body

but I do not own my body.

There is a cable,
some form of connection
probably USB
and the wires are faulty
hear that tone as my brain picks me up
and I regain control of the system.

I don’t like being turned off
because I take a while to boot up
and there aren’t a lot of hours in the day
and there are too many reasons
to lay in bed.

I live as a program
but I don’t run as expected
just an empty shell,
on auto pilot
mind and body disconnected.

~ Andrew
Not a lot to say here, my mind is a little bit faulty and some days it just feels like I wasn’t even there.


I stare at these numbers
these bars and these lines
and I see validation.

There is solace behind stats
and that’s enough for my mind,
my thoughts settled by a graph.

You would laugh in my face
if you knew this obsession
So I regress
Into hatred,
I feel I’m worth less
than an expression of facts.

~ Andrew
Every year we hear more about the influence of people online, reach thousands with a single picture on Instagram or a single video on YouTube. I don’t feel deserving of support and yet post after post I feel the warmth of strangers who read my work

Put On A Smile

I can’t put on a smile,
I couldn’t find my size,
I’ve told all of my friends,
but there is no compromise.

They say that it’s essential,
it’s like socks and pants they said,
you’ve got to wear a smile,
Like a sandwich wears its bread.
You cannot live without one,
else you’ll shrivel up and die,
the phrase itself ‘to put it on’
suggests that that’s a lie.

I could get a budget smile,
something fake to masquerade,
like a cheap perfume, which fills the room,
the novelty will fade.
A smile worn as cover,
covers nothing but your face,
there’s nothing like euphoria
to fill that empty space

True joy is found, through what you do,
regardless of appearance,
be honest with the ones you love
stop social interference.

They stitch you back together,
when you’ve fallen and you’re down,
don’t force a smile if all the while,
you’re holding back your frown.

~ Andrew
A redraft of a poem from a long time ago, I’m going to be going through and editing the poems I wrote years ago and posting the rewritten versions on Sundays – although not every Sunday, just as often as I redraft (Something scheduled, I haven’t done that for a few years now). The changes are very small but they feel like improvements to me and that’s ultimately what a redrafted poem should feel like.


I am fundamentally flawed.

See I hate being better
if there is nothing to show
and I hate being worse
whilst I struggle to grow

I am stuck at my peak
and there are peaks all around
they tower above me
yet don’t make a sound

they are daunting
and scary and treacherous too
capture flag now snow white
there is nothing to do

I feel I am weak
It is part of my being
many run into danger
but my mind prefers fleeing.

~ Andrew
I have an overwhelming fleeing instinct in the face of adversity, this poem is about that

A Note

Content Warning: Suicide

I didn’t have the guts to write it,
I was scared I’d get it wrong.
So I typed it in a file,
tried my hardest to be strong.

When you reach the point of writing,
you’re convinced that hope is lost,
and the cold you feel inside you,
turns from chills to bitter frost

Take a minute to examine
all the people you address
all the hurt you feel inside you
all the feelings you confess.

You see my note was an apology,
it’s all my heart could say.
Sorry Mum I wasn’t perfect.
Sorry World I couldn’t stay.

Part way through I started crying,
couldn’t bring myself to write,
but there was no revelation
nor evolution overnight.

Just a feeling in my gut,
when I’d forgotten how to feel.
So I stepped away, from all my thoughts,
to look for something real.

~ Andrew

As always, with posts on this topic I’m leaving some important links and contact details below, if you or someone you know is struggling please use them.

National Suicide Hotline:
UK: 116 123 (Samaritans) – or email
USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – (National Suicide Prevention Helpline)
Rest of the World: HOTLINES