Image of Success

This image of success
that I paint in my mind
is a me I can’t be
and a strength I can’t find

It’s the will to go on
when my body says quit
and pushing much further
than my mind will permit

I have to go further
be better
be more
says the me in my mind
that I try to ignore

~ Andrew
Push yourself to be the best that you can be but don’t compare yourself to some ideal that is unobtainable

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Connect

The wires are loose at the wall
and the fibres are slowly depleting.
I’m losing my will to go on
some days I just don’t feel like eating

I’m finding it hard to connect
there’s a brick wall of pure interference
and the savage inside of my head
will undoubtedly make an appearance

He likes to chew through my connections,
if I don’t feed him thoughts every day
So I spare him a little attention
and I tell all my friends ‘I’m ok’

I’m sick of the tightrope I’m stepping
Where each step takes me nowhere at all
Just two ends of rope
and I’m clinging to hope
but deep down I am hoping I fall.

~ Andrew
Some days my brain screams at me to just sabotage every friendship I have

A Mind Forever Anxious

Waking, shaking,
sweat dripping down.
Vision is blurred
as I come to my senses.

Muscles tight
and breathing hard,
my body puts up
its defences.

The dark in my room
is an ominous sign
as I fumble
to turn on the light

as the dark disappears
and my busy mind clears,
I am calm
with the bulb burning bright.

~ Andrew
I was going to go for a simple title like Nightmare (already done one of those) but I felt I could get a bit more ambitious with my titles and maybe give a little meaning to them as I’ve often held back in this regard.

My Tears Don’t Matter

Men don’t cry,
I tell myself
whilst wiping tears away,
I hide inside my room and weep
can’t keep the streams at bay.

The rivers they come rolling
the waterfalls beat down,
my pillow is the plunge pool
but I fear my mind will drown.

There are oceans of emotions,
crashing waves of my distress.
I feel my tears don’t matter;
like my thoughts are something less.

All this time my mind is sinking
but these feelings I dismiss,
as my tears run down my face
and as I scream in the abyss.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the anime ‘Your Lie In April’

Breaking My Programming

I cannot seem to break it,
I fall into routine,
I try to live so freely
but I feel like a machine.

Every step I’ve ever taken
I now question my intention.
Is this choice one I made knowingly
or without comprehension?

Was I right to take this path?
It seems there is no turning back
no fork or split, undo or quit
committed to this track.

It seems the doors of chance,
once were open, now are shut,
were all a lie, wave choice goodbye
I never made the cut.

Incompetence, my ally.
Defective is my brain.
Inadequate, unworthy
each decision brought me pain.

And I can’t deny this feeling
where the evidence is damning
I  must try to end this pattern
I am breaking my programming.

~ Andrew
I’ve not written for a while and this feels a little rusty so I will likely go back and rewrite this a little when the timing is right. Hopefully the thoughts in my head made it onto the page

Monster

Every day I look into the mirror,
don’t know what I expected to see,
but staring right back is a monster
and I know that the monster is me.

He has the same eyes that I’m used to
wears the same type of clothes as I do.
He is vile and foul, wears a violent scowl
these are his eyes that I’m looking through

I could lie and tell you that he caught me
but it’s not like I bothered to flee
He devoured my soul when he swallowed me whole
and now darkness is all that I see

I accepted the life I was given
Now I watch as each day passes by
I want to break out of this prison
but I can’t find a reason to try.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the finale of Season 3 of Lucifer but also by the thoughts inside my head too.