Reading People

I’ve given up reading people
because their lives are too complex,
there’s twists and turns and turmoils
and nothing much makes sense

If I could read their feelings
I could work to keep them safe,
I’d bubble-wrap my actions
be a soft and warm embrace

I tell myself it’s normal
but the world says otherwise
I’d ask someone to read aloud
but I’m truly terrified

The world I know rejects me
for my human comprehension
I’m sick of knowing nothing
and I’m sick of asking questions

~ Andrew
This is an idea I’ve been trying to write for a while now and it just came together today for some reason.

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I Wish I Hated Myself

I wish I hated myself
the way a child hates showers.
Just a flittering feeling
that lasts a few hours.

I wish I hated myself
the way I hate sprouts.
A passing thought once a year
when Christmas comes about.

I wish I hated myself
the way rivals compete,
a hunger to win
and a foe to defeat.

I wish I hated myself
in some trivial way,
so it isn’t the first thing
I think of each day.

~ Andrew
It’s been a while. I haven’t really written anything recently either, this is probably the first full poem I’ve done since the last one I posted.
Despite the tone of the poem I am doing relatively well (if I had to compare myself to who I was a year ago). Self-hatred is just a very difficult demon to slay and despite every positive that comes my way I find my brain rationalising it as ‘chance’ or ‘luck’ as though I’m incapable of achievement.

Image of Success

This image of success
that I paint in my mind
is a me I can’t be
and a strength I can’t find

It’s the will to go on
when my body says quit
and pushing much further
than my mind will permit

I have to go further
be better
be more
says the me in my mind
that I try to ignore

~ Andrew
Push yourself to be the best that you can be but don’t compare yourself to some ideal that is unobtainable

Connect

The wires are loose at the wall
and the fibres are slowly depleting.
I’m losing my will to go on
some days I just don’t feel like eating

I’m finding it hard to connect
there’s a brick wall of pure interference
and the savage inside of my head
will undoubtedly make an appearance

He likes to chew through my connections,
if I don’t feed him thoughts every day
So I spare him a little attention
and I tell all my friends ‘I’m ok’

I’m sick of the tightrope I’m stepping
Where each step takes me nowhere at all
Just two ends of rope
and I’m clinging to hope
but deep down I am hoping I fall.

~ Andrew
Some days my brain screams at me to just sabotage every friendship I have

A Mind Forever Anxious

Waking, shaking,
sweat dripping down.
Vision is blurred
as I come to my senses.

Muscles tight
and breathing hard,
my body puts up
its defences.

The dark in my room
is an ominous sign
as I fumble
to turn on the light

as the dark disappears
and my busy mind clears,
I am calm
with the bulb burning bright.

~ Andrew
I was going to go for a simple title like Nightmare (already done one of those) but I felt I could get a bit more ambitious with my titles and maybe give a little meaning to them as I’ve often held back in this regard.

My Tears Don’t Matter

Men don’t cry,
I tell myself
whilst wiping tears away,
I hide inside my room and weep
can’t keep the streams at bay.

The rivers they come rolling
the waterfalls beat down,
my pillow is the plunge pool
but I fear my mind will drown.

There are oceans of emotions,
crashing waves of my distress.
I feel my tears don’t matter;
like my thoughts are something less.

All this time my mind is sinking
but these feelings I dismiss,
as my tears run down my face
and as I scream in the abyss.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the anime ‘Your Lie In April’