Monster

Every day I look into the mirror,
don’t know what I expected to see,
but staring right back is a monster
and I know that the monster is me.

He has the same eyes that I’m used to
wears the same type of clothes as I do.
He is vile and foul, wears a violent scowl
these are his eyes that I’m looking through

I could lie and tell you that he caught me
but it’s not like I bothered to flee
He devoured my soul when he swallowed me whole
and now darkness is all that I see

I accepted the life I was given
Now I watch as each day passes by
I want to break out of this prison
but I can’t find a reason to try.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the finale of Season 3 of Lucifer but also by the thoughts inside my head too.

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Andy-Depressants

I want the whole world to be happy,
but I left myself out of that group
I pick myself up just to knock myself down
and I’m endlessly stuck in a loop

With no detours to force me to exit
and no signs to point me the right way
I’m addicted to Andy-Depressants
to keep all other feelings at bay

I must live in this world of depression
I’ve been building this city for years
With bricks of the body I’ve broken
all cemented with pity filled tears

I will always amount to be nothing
Every smile will be met with a wall
I’m too tired to try to move past it
the first hurdle is where I will fall

~ Andrew
Some days it’s not just the world that conspires to bring me down, but my mind as well

Another Name, Another Number

Another name,
another number,
in a world so rife with sickness
Yet we still don’t understand it
and we don’t know how to fix this.

Just a figure, ever growing
as the world can’t see the issue
calls them cowardly and weak
pass their family some tissues.

“We all have bad days”
“Get over it”
“It’s all inside your head”

It’s not normal to hate living
and to wish that you were dead.

How dare you claim you’ve been there
claim that you’re the better man
this is not a competition
you should help them if you can.

Every year the same old story
someone’s life cut short, dead end,
This is suicide, depression,
not some phase or current trend.

~ Andrew
The recent suicide of Chester Bennington has been on my mind the past few days and whilst I was not a huge Linkin Park fan some of their songs really stuck with me. Over 6000 people in the UK alone committed suicide in the latest statistics for 2015 (6188 to be exact, a further 451 in the Republic of Ireland), that’s almost 20 per day yet we still don’t seem to have enough help available for those suffering

That being said there is help available and I urge anyone reading this that feels they may need help to reach out to one of these numbers
National Suicide Hotline:
UK: 116 123 (Samaritans) – or email jo@samaritans.org
USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – (National Suicide Prevention Helpline)
Rest of the World: Hotlines

Take Action

The world
is depressed.

Lying in bed
still problems unaddressed.

I have woken up every day
this week
and the only change I see
is a couple of coins
scattered on my desk

I’ve stepped outside
every day
and even when clouds
fill the sky
it’s not sad, it’s just grey.

We associate sadness
with weather and whether
you like it or not
hatred still exists
bullies
still exist.

I can’t help but feel helpless
knowing somewhere out there
is someone who barely feels like living
because the world can be cruel
and the world is unforgiving

but that’s just because we broke it,
said see-saws were scales
and we didn’t see the inequality.
We were labelled pass or fail
and some people didn’t make the cut

until they did.

It’s not enough to say
we didn’t see it.

We turn a blind eye to the guy
who said he wanted to die
and until you try
you’re not worth their time

We put a measure on success
and if you’re not ticking boxes
like a checklist
you’re not good enough

I wish I could speak
to all the broken people
give them a minute of my time
because feeling pain is not a crime
and you should not feel guilty for it
let me repeat that
feeling pain is not a crime
and you should not feel guilty for it.

~ Andrew
Day 9 of NaPoWriMo. I seem to come back to the topic of bullies and depression a lot but I think it’s something that we should be talking about. We hear stories all the time but it’s always after the fact, it’s time to actually step in and stop the problem at the source

 

Mental Burden (Spoken Word)

Society has this stigma
That tells us to be quiet
We are confined to our own minds
and inside them we will riot

We will tear down the walls
till we fall to our knees,
and hope that somebody
will answer our pleas.

If we speak they call us liars,
if we act they seem surprised,
if we think and think and think again
our mind is paralysed.

We are locked inside a nightmare
with a monster called Despair.
No hope of finding peace of mind
Or somebody who cares.

Or someone who will listen,
like the pillow hears our cries.
Like the bed carries our burden
as our minds destabilise.

We are not what we believe
but we need a helping hand
we just need a friend to comfort
and a friend to understand.

We can tell them with our words
if they would only stop to hear
if society stopped silencing
perhaps we would not fear

speaking out when we are broken
giving voices to the weak
as we find the strength to be the ones
to fight for what we seek.

This may be our mental burden
but we must know we’re not alone
there are those who wish to help us
those who’ve fought it and have grown

We come face to face with demons,
all those who undermine us
but together we’re united,
we will not let them define us

~ Andrew
I’m going to be doing some more Spoken Word pieces over the next few months hopefully (time permitting). This one in particular I hold very close to my heart. Today is time to change day 2017. It’s about overcoming the stigma against Mental Illness.
I could go on for hours about this topic but I feel the less I say the better. If you’re reading this and you’re struggling there are many helpful sources which I will list a few of below

Website: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
Suicide Hotlines: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines 

Samaritans in particular has a special place in my heart for helping me a few years ago:
116 123 is the number to call from all UK mobiles/landlines or email: jo@samaritans.org

Broken Friend

Are you broken, friend?
Can we get you repaired?
I’ve got a bag full of chocolate
there’s no need to be scared.

Are you broken, friend?
I’ve got games we can play.
I’ve got music and speakers,
if we have nothing to say.

Are you broken, friend?
I’m not leaving your side.
I was here when it started
and I’m here for the ride

Are you broken, friend?
Alone, dark and cold.
I’ve got torches for light
and my body to hold
If you need someone there
I am here till the end
we’ll get through this together,
I can promise that, friend.

~ Andrew

Mental Burden

Society has this stigma
That tells us to be quiet
We are confined to our own minds
and inside them we will riot

We will tear down the walls
till we fall to our knees,
and hope that somebody
will answer our pleas.

If we speak they call us liars,
if we act they seem surprised,
if we think and think and think again
our mind is paralysed.

We are locked inside a nightmare
with a monster called Despair.
No hope of finding peace of mind
Or somebody who cares.

Or someone who will listen,
like the pillow hears our cries.
Like the bed carries our burden
as our minds destabilize.

We are not what we believe
but we need a helping hand
we just need a friend to comfort
and a friend to understand.

We can tell them with our words
if they would only stop to hear
if society stopped silencing
perhaps we would not fear

speaking out when we are broken
giving voices to the weak
as we find the strength to be the ones
to fight for what we seek.

This may be our mental burden
but we must know we’re not alone
there are those who wish to help us
those who’ve fought it and have grown

We come face to face with demons,
all those who undermine us
but together we’re united,
we will not let them define us.

~ Andrew
I was inspired to write this after reading the awful responses to an online personality opening up about his struggle with depression. People told him he was seeking attention and it hurt to think that this is the treatment that anyone gets when they speak up about something like this.