A Mind Forever Anxious

Waking, shaking,
sweat dripping down.
Vision is blurred
as I come to my senses.

Muscles tight
and breathing hard,
my body puts up
its defences.

The dark in my room
is an ominous sign
as I fumble
to turn on the light

as the dark disappears
and my busy mind clears,
I am calm
with the bulb burning bright.

~ Andrew
I was going to go for a simple title like Nightmare (already done one of those) but I felt I could get a bit more ambitious with my titles and maybe give a little meaning to them as I’ve often held back in this regard.

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City

Twisting turning maze,
buildings looming overhead,
lost amongst strangers

~ Andrew
Been in the city recently – Made a lot of navigational errors which is very unlike me though I think the nerves from job interviews may have clouded my directional judgement

My Tears Don’t Matter

Men don’t cry,
I tell myself
whilst wiping tears away,
I hide inside my room and weep
can’t keep the streams at bay.

The rivers they come rolling
the waterfalls beat down,
my pillow is the plunge pool
but I fear my mind will drown.

There are oceans of emotions,
crashing waves of my distress.
I feel my tears don’t matter;
like my thoughts are something less.

All this time my mind is sinking
but these feelings I dismiss,
as my tears run down my face
and as I scream in the abyss.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the anime ‘Your Lie In April’

Breaking My Programming

I cannot seem to break it,
I fall into routine,
I try to live so freely
but I feel like a machine.

Every step I’ve ever taken
I now question my intention.
Is this choice one I made knowingly
or without comprehension?

Was I right to take this path?
It seems there is no turning back
no fork or split, undo or quit
committed to this track.

It seems the doors of chance,
once were open, now are shut,
were all a lie, wave choice goodbye
I never made the cut.

Incompetence, my ally.
Defective is my brain.
Inadequate, unworthy
each decision brought me pain.

And I can’t deny this feeling
where the evidence is damning
I  must try to end this pattern
I am breaking my programming.

~ Andrew
I’ve not written for a while and this feels a little rusty so I will likely go back and rewrite this a little when the timing is right. Hopefully the thoughts in my head made it onto the page

Monster

Every day I look into the mirror,
don’t know what I expected to see,
but staring right back is a monster
and I know that the monster is me.

He has the same eyes that I’m used to
wears the same type of clothes as I do.
He is vile and foul, wears a violent scowl
these are his eyes that I’m looking through

I could lie and tell you that he caught me
but it’s not like I bothered to flee
He devoured my soul when he swallowed me whole
and now darkness is all that I see

I accepted the life I was given
Now I watch as each day passes by
I want to break out of this prison
but I can’t find a reason to try.

~ Andrew
Somewhat inspired by the finale of Season 3 of Lucifer but also by the thoughts inside my head too.

A Mind Ablaze

My mind is full of tinted glass
so no one looks inside.
I wish that they could see me
but there’s still a great divide.

My mind has soundproof panels
so that no one hears my screams.
It keeps my thoughts from echoing
and cages all my dreams.

My mind has pretty colours
from the outside looking in,
but I can’t even see them
they lie deeper than my skin.

It’s almost like I radiate
and others can admire
but you can’t have burning beacons bright
without a raging fire.

~ Andrew
Been busy with my project submission, University coming to a close and watching lots of anime but I think this captures my mind recently

Feeding Demons

My demons are hungry.
They’re loose in my mind,
devouring every last thing that they find

They want me to suffer
they bring only pain
as they venture through every last part of my brain

I don’t want to feed them
but they keep coming back
They want my surrender as the darkness attacks

I can’t keep on fighting
there’s this feeling of dread,
when my demons are hungry
they won’t stop ’til they’re fed.

~ Andrew
Another poem about the bad days