I Was Taught To Hate Myself

Between the ages of 4 and 18
I was taught to hate myself.
Every mirror was a method of torture
a reflection of all
I was told was insufficient

I hated my body
before I knew what it could do
I fought with my emotions
made mistakes I can’t undo

I told myself
tomorrow they’ll stop talking
but the voices never would
I was begging them for silence
Wanted to silence them for good

I made promises
and broke them
Couldn’t meet my expectations
I was a catalogue of failure
in a broken generation

I was called so many things
words I didn’t even know
Yet they hurt me with their venom
every word they chose to throw

Guess they didn’t understand
That’s not why we call it ‘break’
Thought they had to smash my spirit
Make me feel like a mistake

I was taught to hate myself
between age 4 and age 18
just a monster in the mirror
every day but Halloween

~ Andrew
Not the most polished piece but I’m just trying to get words down that I don’t undo or cross out.



With vacant eyes
I stare at you
an empty glance
is nothing new.
I’ve been this way
for far too long
and still they say
there’s nothing wrong.
I’m not okay,
my body, weak,
this anaesthetic
that I seek.
To make me numb.
This vacant stare.
While everyone,
is unaware.

~ Andrew
Today is Mental Health Awareness day, I’ve not been keeping up with every major day that I intended to (I wasn’t able to come up with anything for National Poetry Day for example) but Mental Health is a sensitive issue which I feel quite strongly about so I wanted to produce something to raise even a little bit of awareness
If you wish to know more I have provided a link to the Mental Health Foundation website (UK): HERE
To donate £3 to the above cause text THRIVE to 70300 (UK only, Terms HERE)
If you or someone you know is suffering please direct them to a helpline or to anyone who may be able to help. Here are a few links to get you started
Samaritans – Email: jo@samaritans.org
7CupsOfTea: 7cups
There are many more resources available around the world and I really do hope anyone who is suffering does not feel like they cannot speak to anyone about it.


Ten minutes ago I was happy
an hour ago I was not
I swing between moods like a pendulum
as the thoughts in my mind start to rot.

I forget what it was I was doing,
what is was that was bringing me joy
as the love in my heart turns to anger
and I look for a world to destroy.

With a bitterness in every action
I am Misery’s messenger man
but my mood starts to shift in an instant
and I’m trying as hard as I can

but I can’t tell you if I’ll be happy
I can’t tell you if I’ll be fine
one hundred to zero in 3 seconds flat
Like my brain is a faulty design.

~ Andrew
I’ve not shared much here recently but I am still writing occasionally, mostly giving up after a couple of lines though. I’ll be re-writing a few of my older poems in the coming months and sharing them if I feel I’ve made a worthwhile improvement to them.

Another Name, Another Number

Another name,
another number,
in a world so rife with sickness
Yet we still don’t understand it
and we don’t know how to fix this.

Just a figure, ever growing
as the world can’t see the issue
calls them cowardly and weak
pass their family some tissues.

“We all have bad days”
“Get over it”
“It’s all inside your head”

It’s not normal to hate living
and to wish that you were dead.

How dare you claim you’ve been there
claim that you’re the better man
this is not a competition
you should help them if you can.

Every year the same old story
someone’s life cut short, dead end,
This is suicide, depression,
not some phase or current trend.

~ Andrew
The recent suicide of Chester Bennington has been on my mind the past few days and whilst I was not a huge Linkin Park fan some of their songs really stuck with me. Over 6000 people in the UK alone committed suicide in the latest statistics for 2015 (6188 to be exact, a further 451 in the Republic of Ireland), that’s almost 20 per day yet we still don’t seem to have enough help available for those suffering

That being said there is help available and I urge anyone reading this that feels they may need help to reach out to one of these numbers
National Suicide Hotline:
UK: 116 123 (Samaritans) – or email jo@samaritans.org
USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – (National Suicide Prevention Helpline)
Rest of the World: Hotlines

Social Comedown

Yesterday was great
so good to see you for a bit,
but today’s a little darker
and everything is shit
You see when everything is average
there’s no good or bad around
nothing but mediocrity
no excitement in the sound
There’s no buzz inside my body
there’s no smile on my face
there’s just me and four white walls
and I’m just a waste of space
I can’t summon up the energy
to leave the house alone
but I need a little sunshine
to offset this tragic tone.

~ Andrew

My Mind’s Creation

Every night.
You. Me.
Be it stations or concerts
my mind is set free.
You put me through hell
give me nightmares and pain
but you’re just a creation
of my unconscious brain.

You have familiar faces
and familiar sounds,
with familiar smells
or familiar grounds.
You’re not quite the same
though you’ve tricked me before
I’ll wake up in a moment,
take control back once more.

~ Andrew
My 16th poem of NaPoWriMo. This one focused around my dreams, particularly the more immersive ones (that sometimes carry through into the first few moments after I’m awake – I can often lie down again, close my eyes and see what would have happened next

Describe In Three Words

Three words to describe
some event in my life
be it moments of happiness
or moments of strife

Fear, Anxiety, Panic
My most dominant three
They make up so many firsts
throughout my memory

Joy would be there sometimes
accompanied by friends
or solitude and TV shows
no relationships or trends

See my feelings are erratic
at least the good ones are
there are no three words describing
every smile from afar
or every human interaction
that I hold in high esteem
I need more words for explanations
of exactly what I mean
when I say that I was happy
it is more than just content
it’s an overwhelming feeling
almost like it’s heaven sent.

~ Andrew
I’m a sucker for emotions, I cling on to the happier moments in life because as someone who gets stuck in pits of negativity it’s hard to know when the next burst of happiness will come. My 15th poem of NaPoWriMo